On March 4, 1966, John Lennon proclaimed that The Beatles were more popular than Jesus. As a result, the world spiraled out of orbit, crashed into the sun, and burst into flames; Then everyone threw all of their Beatle records on top of it. The reason that this was such an outrage was not because it was a blasphemous comment (though it was probably one of the most profound observations a pop star has ever made in an interview, if you got his meaning), but simply because he was merely a Beatle. His comment would have been completely true, and completely acceptable, if he had been a member of Arctic Monkeys.

Arctic Monkeys are way…way bigger than Jesus. I ask you, what other band’s debut album could be placed at #5 on The NME 100 Greatest British Albums Ever list before it was even recorded (and before lead singer Alex Turner was even born)? OK, that was an over-exaggeration. He was in diapers. Anyway, the answer is “No other band.” Not even The Beatles (#9); Not even Bowie (#14); Not even The Clash (#8); Not even Led Zeppelin (in fact, 86 Pulp albums are on the list before anyone even thinks about getting the Led out). If Jesus himself came down from Heaven, learned guitar, and formed Jesus and The 11 Disciples (No Judas), they would be lucky to open for Arctic Monkeys on the Australian leg of their world tour.

At first, I thought I may be able to blame NME for single-handedly causing the Arctic Monkeys hysteria. I recently perused the Arctic Monkeys archive on the website, and came across an interview with the band discussing how they may have promised too many people guestlist privileges for their show at Lancashire County Cricket Ground in Old Trafford, Manchester. “Arctic Monkeys Expect Too Many Guests at Old Trafford Shows.” This was news. We see this sort of thing in America all of the time; “Paris Hilton Paints Nails Electric Purple,” “Britney Spears Drives Over Pacifier,” “Lindsay Lohan’s Father Has Irregular Bowel Movements,” etc. That, coupled with the fact that the review for Favourite Worst Nightmare was roughly 3,000 words, and more in depth than the TIME Magazine cover story on Stem Cell research, proves that my accusation may be correct.

Further research would show that it is not only NME who bestows ludicrous amounts of praise onto the Sheffield indie band (awarding them Best Track, Best New Band, and Best British Group at the NME Awards in 2006…a month after the album was released). Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not sold 363,735 copies in it’s first week, and subsequently became the fastest selling album in UK chart history (thanks to a buzz that was allegedly created by their fans on the Internet). The album went on to win the 2006 Mercury Prize, and album of the year honors from Q Magazine, TIME Magazine, and of course…NME. They won Best British band and Best British Album at the 2007 BRIT Awards, as well as Greatest Humans in the UK at the UK Human Awards.

Favourite Worst Nightmare is well on it’s way to becoming just as successful as it’s predecessor, debuting at #1 on the UK charts (naturally), and peaking at #1 in 6 other countries. An interesting side note: Every single song on the album was simultaneously in the Top 200 of the UK Singles Chart. That’s 12. 12 Singles. Did I say 12 already? The album was also shortlisted for the 2007 Mercury Prize, which will surely result in the first consecutive win in the award’s short history. It sold a lot of albums. Not as many as Whatever, but a lot. It was compared in the NME review to Blur’s sophomore release Modern Life is Rubbish (#6…damn), and is already being hailed as the 2007 Album of the Year…by everyone.

What’s most disconcerting is that both albums are amazing. I wanted Favourite Worst Nightmare to be a horrid and utterly atrocious sophomore jinxed train wreck of a record. It’s not. The lyrical ability of the underage Turner is frightening, and the band’s overall songwriting is stellar. At first listen, you may take the CD case and chuck it against the nearest wall while screaming “YOU DON’T LOOK GOOD ON THE DANCEFLOOR, YOU WANKER!”. You will find it infuriating and you will understand why many are utterly baffled by their abundant critical acclaim. Eventually, however, you will find yourself listening to it again…and again; either album (sometimes both at the same time). You will want to drink and you will want to dance and you will want to get laid and you will want to write songs all about it. You used to get it in your fishnets, but now you only get it in your nightdress. What a fucking shame.

Personally, I don’t see how you could put any band or any album above them on any list. I don’t even think other bands should be nominated for things like the Mercury Prize or the BRITs. Why bother? They should save themselves the time and money, and just make a 20 minute television spot to air on Christmas Eve (to outshine Jesus) of the band receiving their hordes of awards (…sorry). This helps Arctic Monkeys also; with scheduling and allotted speech writing time. Maybe this way, they can release another EP by year’s end, titled Who the Fuck is Jesus (this is a play on their EP title, Who the Fuck are Arctic Monkeys, which was released ridiculously and curiously soon after the release of Whatever, and was the subject of much ‘money-grubbing’ criticism). Ok, so go back and read that again. It’s funny.

The Monkeys have been blemished by many a critic as another product of British press over-hyping indie “it” bands. On the contrary, I don’t think the band has been hyped enough. If they were, they would have sold 500,000 in the first week, which would make more sense for a band that’s bigger than Jesus.

Damn you, Arctic Monkeys! Damn you!