I think I would call my supergroup Savage Animal, since Sebastian Bach never did get to use the name (it rolls off your tongue, man). VH1 shoved Bach, Ted Nugent, Scott Ian, Evan Seinfeld and Jason Bonham into a house, made them write music together, and called it SuperGroup. This was genius (though VH1 does really love to shove celebrities into a house together…it was just a matter of time), but not exactly super. They may have been a pretty super metal collaboration, but to live up to the name SuperGroup, it should have been way more super. I’m talking mind-blowingly super super.

Rollingstone.com recently featured a news story on a supergroup poll held by a new venue in the UK. According to the poll, Freddie Mercury, Elton John, Jimi Hendrix, and Phil Collins would be the ultimate supergroup of supergroups (in second, was Clapton, Bono, Ringo, and Stevie Wonder). This got me thinking; what really makes a supergroup? These results seem sort of…expected. I found that assembling my own supergroup was a very complicated process. For example, do you go with who is widely perceived as the most talented at his or her respective instrument (let’s say…Eddie Van Halen on guitar), or do you actually pick your favorite guitarist, regardless of his or her stature in the music world (Johnny Buckland, hands down). Then I wondered, if the musician isn’t really a superstar in his own right (Johnny Buckland of Coldplay, if you’re still trying to figure that out), how can he really be a member of a full-fledged supergroup?

I thought of recent supergroups – Velvet Revolver, Audioslave, Supernova – and it occurred to me; I hate all of these bands. Not so much because I have a bias against massive hard rock supergroups (the world can never have enough, if you ask me), but because I didn’t see how they created anything truly worth the title of “super.” The results seemed pretty run of the mill for my taste. The bigger deal was the fact that it was Tom Morello and Chris Cornell in the same band more so than the fact that the music was far inferior to that of either Rage Against the Machine or Soundgarden. Velvet Revolver is normally regarded as the most super supergroup yet assembled, but there was no Paradise City to be found. There was certainly no welcome to the jungle (more of a half-assed hello wave). Should the collective efforts of the supergroup surpass that of what they were capable of in their own bands? I would like to think that Clapton, Bono, Ringo, and Stevie Wonder would fart out the greatest song of all time in their fucking sleep. Isn’t that what a supergroup should do? Or is it simply a matter of putting the biggest names together and just enjoying the show?

With that said, is a band like The Good, The Bad and The Queen a true supergroup, regardless of the fact that the “superest” member isn’t truly a superstar on his own (Clash bassist Paul Simonon)? Is it more important that the album was incredible? What about The Raconteurs? The second this band announced their existence, the word “supergroup” flew around more freely than bottles and woman in the SuperGroup house (followed by a backlash of people wondering who has actually ever heard of anyone in the band besides Jack White). Sure, White is a superstar. No one will argue that, but does the equally talented yet mildly popular Brendan Benson (edit: more talented) defunct the band’s supergroup status? Being that Benson is the second most popular member (and that the other two were in the virtually unknown indie-rock outfit The Greenhorns), you really have to question the validity of such a claim that The Raconteurs are, in fact, a supergroup. A great band? Yes. A supergroup? Not so much.

So, is it possible to have the perfect balance of supergroup and quality? It only seems possible when you imagine your ideal supergroup, the members of which are probably dead. Is it actually fun to do that, or depressing? Who doesn’t want to know what kind of songs Lennon and Bono could have written together? Would it have been better than “Imagine” and “Where the Streets Have No Name” combined? What about Cobain and Kanye? Come as you are…nigga? When discussing supergroup possibilities, should we restrict ourselves to only the living? And even then, should we restrict ourselves to realistic possibilities only? For example, one could argue that Cobain wouldn’t have worked with Kanye for any amount of money, and that Lennon and Bono would decide they can’t write together after attempting the first lyric.

So what? My ideal supergroup (which would be ridiculously super, and ridiculously talented) is as follows:

Lead vocals: Bono

A lot of people hate Bono, but a lot of people love Bono. Either way, you can’t argue that his vocal presence – both on stage and on record – is phenomenal (in a very big, supergroup kind of way). As I said earlier, I’d like the supergroup to be even more super than the members’ previous projects. I see this as somewhat of an impossibility with all of my picks, but anything’s possible.

Guitar/vocals: John Lennon

Do I need to explain this?

Keys/vocals: Elton John

I’m thinking early Elton John. Let’s say…before Too Low For Zero (I see “I’m Still Standing” as a major line drawn right down the middle of his career). Much of his music (about 99.99999% of it) is co-written with Bernie Taupin, who penned the lyrics for “Tiny Dancer,” among others. Really, it’s Elton’s piano playing that is super essential to this supergroup.

Bass/vocals: Paul McCartney

It seems like people always talk about how little people talk about Paul McCartney’s abilities as a bassist. I think people talk about it quite a bit, actually. Flea is a close (CLOSE) second, but in the end you could argue that Flea can sometimes be overwhelming. Paul was absolutely…always…just right. “Dear Prudence” anyone?

Drums: Stewart Copeland

I’ve never been impressed with a drummer that plays 678 fills in a 2 second period on a recording. Do that when you’re practicing. It’s admirable, but I much prefer drummers that create a style of their own. Even Ringo Starr was more innovative than anything else. I mean, why’s everyone hatin‘ on Meg White? She created her own thing, and it’s pretty badass. To the point, Stewart Copeland is arguably the musician that made The Police sound as truly original as they did (yet, Sting would be my third choice for bassist after Paul and Flea).

Is this a super supergroup, or is it simply a matter of opinion? Can you truly have the best supergroup possible if…Stevie Wonder isn’t in it? Or Bob Dylan? Do you have the best guitarist possible if it’s not Hendrix? Would the combined efforts of 4 or 5 musical geniuses make for an amazing band, or a horrible mess headed straight to the Behind the Music bin? Is this where the phrase “too many cooks in the kitchen” comes from? Was the only true supergroup Crosby, Stills and Nash (and Young)? Is a truly super supergroup even possible? As long as it only exists in your imagination, I say “Yes.” Otherwise, you’re in the jungle baby…and you’re gonna…squirm…a little.