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I’m not going to sugar coat this at all. I was in the park with some friends, and we started discussing the state of popular modern rock music. We couldn’t help but notice how much of it is….bad. Personally, I rely more on the strength of modern Hip Hop and Pop radio to get me through the day. Of course, there are always exceptions, and this list developed into a very complicated and asterisk laden mess.

Here are the rules:

• Only bands who have released an album within the last 5 years may be on the list. Greatest hits and solo records do not count. This may explain the absence of such acts as Creed, but fortunately for us.. Limp Bizkit is still eligible! (May even get bonus points for replacing the “s” with a “z” in Greatest Hitz. Uh uh, don’t forget the Wes Borlandless 2003 gem Results May Vary…That’s for sure).

• The band must have been a major label artist within the last 5 years. Meaning, if a band made a completely respectful and artistically evolved album with no budget on Basement Band Records after a major label run, they are still eligible.

• One decent song does not exclude you from the list. An asterisk will be placed next to any band with arguably one decent song. Two decent songs may still earn you a slot in the ‘Runners Up’ list.

• The list was narrowed only to bands from the United States. Oops, and Canada.

• Canoodling a Hollywood It Girl on Sunset or claiming on Howard Stern that you ate one out does not exclude your band from the list. Fred Durst, I’m looking at you…again.

• The more successful your band, the more likely you are to be on this list. Really, who’s buying all of these records? It’s like that joke about Creed. They’ve sold a billion albums, but can’t get anyone to admit to it! I had to cut many bands off of the list, because they simply didn’t make a big enough impact for us to care, or haven’t yet. Ex: Trapt, Finger Eleven, Alien Ant Farm, Adema, Hinder. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Seether, Avenged Sevenfold (c’mon, I know you hate them too), etc.

Sorting down to the top 10 was extremely difficult. I wanted to stay away from the “pop/punk” genre as a whole, because once you start…really, there’s no stopping. And since I can’t decipher Fall Out Boy from Panic! At the Disco and Yellowcard from All American Rejects, I almost wanted to leave them all off the list all together. Besides, they tend to write pretty decent, catchy tunes. Maybe I will make a whole separate list for pop-punk someday. None of these bands managed to grace the top 10, however, Simple Plan made it just passed the finish line. I’m sorry I can’t be perfect.

Without further ado, here is the list of the top 10 worst rock bands in the U.S. (and Canada).

Some close calls:
*Goo Goo Dolls This band had a plethora of releases on Metal Blade (indie label for the likes of GWAR), but their last few major label yawners have personally been unlistenable. Goo bores me to tears. “Iris” kept them off the list.
*Evanescence “My Immortal” was way too impressive to include this band, as much as it pains me.
The Used The more I think about this one, the more I want to re-do everything.
Sum 41 Mostly due in part to the 5 year old maturity level gimmick (which I thought Blink 182 ran into the ground with 2001’s Take Off Your Pants and Jacket – and then promptly made up for the with 2003’s self titled). I’d love to hear what Deryck Whibley and Avril Lavigne write together on the weekends.

10. *Linkin Park To be frank, Linkin Park has taken the whole rap/metal fiasco way too far. Wasn’t everyone on Planet Earth done with this genre about 6 years ago? The sound of Chester Bennington’s voice reminds me of some sort of popmetal mating call, while Mike Shinoda flows like a disqualified contestant from Ice-T’s Rap School. To be fair, some of their songs are semi-decent, even more of them are catchy, but they all get annoying really fast. The asterisk is for “My December.” It’s a well deserved asterisk. Perhaps I should reconsider? Nah. Really, it’s their ludicrous level of success that makes me question a lot of things. This is the biggest band in the world? Eek.

9. Simple Plan Easily the main reason why psuedo bubble gum punk must go (and another reason why Canadians qualify). Sometimes I hear this band’s songs and I wonder if lead singer Pierre Bouvier is at a 3rd grade reading level. Of course, I understand the importance of simple and easy-to-relate-to lyrics within a pop song, but really…have you no shame?

8. Three Days Grace I…hate…everything…about you.

7. Bowling For Soup If they make one more “humorous” 80’s pop culture reference that isn’t even remotely funny, they may shoot up to number 1.

6. *Lifehouse It’s possible (I’m talking… 2% chance) that this band has one decent song. However, continuing to make the same questionably decent song over and over will definitely not qualify you as a good band. It certainly won’t keep you off of this list. I basically have instant disapproval for any band whose lead singer finds it necessary to bring back the Eddie Vedder style of wailing. He’s barely still pulling it off himself.

5. Papa Roach Papa Roach has tried their hand at every rock genre, and constantly come up with a big handful of crap. It may seem like they fall into the ‘no-impact’ catagory, but have you heard their newer releases? They just keep getting worse and worse. Even though Jacoby Shaddix (Coby Dick, Johnny Rockets, whatever his name is) is actually extremely likable and humble as can be, I can’t exclude Papa Roach from this list. I just…can’t. I should have made that one of the rules. Sorry, Dick.

4. 3 Doors Down Yup, we’re getting to the top 5 now. I don’t really know what to say about Three Doors Down. No asterisk; no mercy. Just because “Krypotine” was in my head for 11 months straight, doesn’t necessarily mean it was decent.

3. *Limp Bizkit I actually have to give Limp Bizkit some credit. It’s hard to say that Significant Other is a bad album, and Three Dollar Bill, Yall$ definitely wasn’t. I think this band was a guilty pleasure for everyone at one point or another. It’s the principle of the thing, really. They could be number 1 just for naming an album “Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water.” Why?

2. Puddle of Mudd This may be the reason why I started this list. Puddle of Mudd gets a special award: Worst Band Name Ever. How can you ever expect anyone to take you seriously when you call yourself crap? If “Control” was the only song this band ever released, they would still be a strong contender for #1. I love the way you smack my ass? Everytime I heard this song, I wanted to throw something. Hard.

1. Nickelback ::Clears throat::… This is…the worst rock band…ever! I am baffled at how a band like Nickelback, who blatantly puts the same crappy song on each album 12 times, is even moderately likable or successful. Lyrically, Chad Kroeger makes Simple Plan’s Bouvier look like Nick Cave or Patti Smith. “Look at this photograph/Every time I do it makes me laugh/How did our eyes get so red/And what the hell is on Joey’s Head.” What? Top that off with the most boring instrumentation possible (not even on par with an Ashlee Simpson recording, which are actually mostly very good), and I honestly can’t find one thing about this band that is even remotely decent.

****By the way, I’m just kidding around. Mostly. Sort of.****