The continuing significance of the MTV Video Music Awards is beginning to completely mystify me. At this point, the whole “MTV doesn’t even play music videos anymore” argument has become cliche and annoying. It’s so beyond a punch-line, it’s not even a joke anymore. So, I thought to myself, “maybe this is an old cliche;” sort of like how people think the French are rude (didn’t really get that impression). I wanted to give MTV the benefit of the doubt for one last time.

I’ve been wondering what qualifications MTV even has anymore to give out an award for music. In order to determine this, I’ve decided to review a full day of programming on MTV, and decide how much of it could actually pass for “music television.” To qualify as “music television,” It doesn’t have to necessarily be music video programming; just something (anything) that could remotely pass for music related content. I was actually quite pleased with the results, and may re-consider my views on the channel all together. I’m kidding.

A day on MTV (August 27, 2007 schedule):

6:00am – 8:30am MTV Video Wake-Up

Bingo! There you have it. The first thing MTV shows in the morning is 3 hours of music videos. I already feel a lot better.

8:30am – 9:30am The Big Ten

A morning show dedicated to the 10 biggest videos of the moment, music news and interviews? So far, so good.

9:30am – 10:00am Engaged & Underaged I do Re-do

Oh crap. What the hell is this? It’s not even the show Engaged & Underage. It’s more like Real World Reunion…except we’re re-watching the couples’ episode of Engaged & Underaged, along with never before seen footage…of…whatever. This is disappointing. How things have changed in a half hour…

10:00am – 11:00am My Super Sweet Sixteen Remix

Yet another show of recycled clips and bonus footage of another show. Not only do you get to watch people with more money than you and get angry (16 year olds with more money than you, at that), but you get to watch the recap! It’s getting painful…

11:00am – 12:00n Making The Band 4

OK, I’ll admit…this show is pretty awesome. I didn’t get enough with Making The Band 1-3 (slight sarcasm). Who doesn’t love to see Diddy get angry at 18 year olds who shit their pants when he even looks at them funny? Seriously. Best of all, this would most certainly qualify as music related content.

12:00n – 12:30pm Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County

A pseudo reality show about rich kids in California? Bla bla bla Laguna Beach bla bla bla milk it for all it’s worth.

12:30pm – 1:00pm Real World: Sydney

I guess this speaks for itself; arguably the show that started it all. Real World will never go away. Obviously this isn’t music related, but even within itself… Real World has become boring as hell. The black guy, the gay guy, the guy that hates black people & gay people, the blonde…I feel like it’s the same season over and over.

1:00pm TRL

Yes, it’s music related, but……..::sigh::

2:00pm – 6:00pm Made

No, seriously? 4 hours of Made, a scripted ‘reality’ show slightly above Next on the list of most embarrassing things to actually sit and watch? Speaking of Next, where is it? A day without Next is like a day without sunshine.

6:00pm – 8:00pm Parental Control

How could I forget about Parental Control? It’s pretty much a toss-up between this and Next. Some mindless entertainment to wrap up the day…

8:00pm – 9:00pm The same episodes of Real World and Newport Harbor that were on at 12.

9:00pm – 10:30pm The Hills

See 12:00n.

10:30pm – 11:00pm Life of Ryan

Is this a play on Life of Brian? Probably not. This seems kind of cute though. It’s about a teenage skateboarding phenom and…uh…that’s it. I think it is admittedly fiction, and it’s not about music, in case you were wondering.

11:00pm – 12:00m Two more episodes of The Hills. Enjoy.

12:00m – 12:30am Repeat of same episode of Life of Ryan. And it’s still not music related.

12:30am – 4:30am Next

Yes. Thank you, God.

4:30am – 5:00am Step and Repeat: The Best and Worst of VMA Fashion

Eh, almost. Close.

5:00am – 6:00am MTV After Hours

I remember when After Hours started at 1:00am, and you could watch music videos all night (in their entirety! That hostility is meant for TRL, not you). Even waiting until 1:00am to watch music videos on Music Television seems a bit unreasonable. Before that, they usually started at midnight with Subterranean (which I think is shown on MTV2 every other leap year), and of course 120 Minutes, which I’ve definitely seen on MTV2 at 3am. Good times. Ever notice that they showed a Ministry video in every episode?

So, in 24 hours MTV showed (arguably) 6.5 hours of music related content. That’s probably less than FOX (especially during Idol season). Pretty sad. At this point, MTV giving out an award for music is like ESPN giving out an award for cooking. I miss the days when the VMA’s were credible; when they were more important to the artists and the fans than the Grammys. Honestly, screw that. I’ll take The Grammys anyday. Though there are always great performances and instant pop culture classic moments (Madonna and Britney making out, Jacko and Lisa Marie making out, etc.), the award itself leaves me confused and angry. How do they determine the nominees? Are they basing it on TRL? If they are, then everything would start to make more sense to me.

Look at some of this year’s nominees:

Gym Class Heroes for Best Group

Gym Class Heroes for Best New Artist

I can’t go on.

Maybe I’m getting old. I can no longer relate to a music world where a band is nominated for a song called “Thnks Fr Th Mmrs.” The MTV generation has changed vastly from that of the 90’s, and maybe all of the 20 somethings rolled their eyes at the Spice Girls (which… is just plain silly). That’s not really true, though. I’m glad to see artists like Amy Winehouse (who has become a shit-show which no words can describe, but that is neither here nor there), Lilly Allen (who is really just the Paris Hilton of the UK, but at least her album is great), and Robin Thicke (doesn’t get his due) on the list of nominees. And I’m a bigger fan of Justin Timberlake than most would admit to.

It just doesn’t seem like the VMA’s were ever really honoring breakthrough videos, which I guess is something I never noticed until now. With the exception of the Smashing Pumpkins sweep with “Tonight Tonight” in ‘96 (winning pretty much everything but Best Rap Video), an award show for achievement in music video doesn’t really seem to be the goal of the Video Music Awards, which is just another reason to not care at all. It’s an award for the most popular songs of the past 9 months, and that’s all. It doesn’t matter that the video looked identical to 18 other videos that came out that year. It’s actually completely irrelevant, and may even help your chances…if anything.

In short, the VMAs clearly have no relevance at all. As a child of the 80’s, who was raised on 6 hour VHS tapes of endless music videos my mother used to tape off of MTV, it saddens me to see the deterioration of the relevance of MTV and the mockery it’s made of pop culture in general. Even MTV2, which was launched to fill the gaping hole of music content left by Real World et al, has gone completely non-music. I miss the good ol‘ days when you could see Madonna whip a puppy at noon, or D’Angelo’s brown sugar voodoo at dinnertime (yum). Now-a-days, if you’d like to see the nominees for the VMA’s, you better be up at sunrise.