Across The Universe reminded me of when children draw terrible pictures of things and everyone says that they look great because the children are so damn cute and no one has the heart to say that the pictures aren’t really that great at all. I’m not entirely sure if that metaphor makes any sense, but what I do know is that Across The Universe, though a valiant effort, is a failure. It is not so much because the film itself is a failure, but more the idea of taking the best music ever written and making only a decent movie with it.

Roughly every other scene is cringe-worthy. Yeah, I said it…cringe-worthy; Hyphenated. To make matters worse, every other scene is amazing. I’m not sure if it is a question of some over-editing, but it seemed the film had no rules…and no real direction. The interpretation of many of the songs is taken too literally, and you feel as if you’re being banged over the head with a musical metaphor every 5 minutes. The characters names are Jude, Max, Lucy, Prudence, Sadie, Jo Jo…and while it is adorable in that little kid kind of way, it gets a bit tiresome at parts. Prudence’s character gets depressed and locks herself in a closet…and you know…you just know it’s coming. “Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play?” It’s so cute, it’s annoying.

While I do tend to get nervous about anyone attempting a Beatles cover, I’ll admit there were a few moments where I was sold on the idea. The film opens with a beautiful acappella version of the first few lines of “Girl,” with newcomer Jim Sturgess doing his best Ewan McGregor a la Moulin Rouge. The too short of an introduction is massacred by a cheesy montage of political footage and scenes from later in the film set to Sadie’s rendition of “Helter Skelter.” There is also a scene towards the end where bits of that track are tied in to “Across the Universe,” and it’s amazing. You see how this is all very confusing for me.

And then there’s Bono. Bono does a great impression of Bono as he sings “I am the Walrus,” another highlight that almost gets ruined by overly trippy, cliche shots of the characters tripping on a bed, and tripping on a bus. Sure, the song is about tripping, surely, but it comes off a bit tacky. They also U2′d up the song a bit with Larry Mullen drumming circa War.

A glaring example of the cringe-worthy was “Come Together,” AKA Jo Jo’s entrance theme. John singing “Here come ol‘ flat top:” Awesome. Anyone else singing it: Lame. Sorry. (That goes even for you, Joe Cocker. Possibly even “especially you, Joe Cocker“). One of the best moments of Across the Universe is Paul’s “I’ve Just Seen a Face,” set in a bowling alley as Jim’s character, Jude, falls for Lucy (Evan Rachel Wood). Mostly because there is just no way this song could ever be bad, the cuteness prevails. Also, the evolution of the movie is a bit extreme, but I’m willing to attribute it to the evolution of The Beatles as a band. As the years go by in the movie, the style of it changes drastically…much like The Beatles did.

If Across the Universe is one big cover album come to life, then it’s fair to say half of the album is done well. Julie Taymor wanted to create the greatest Beatles tribute ever, and at times she tried a bit too hard, re-creating not just the music, but even other events from the Beatles’ career; ie a rooftop performance on the “Strawberry Jams” building (Apple, get it?), a band playing what was undoubtedly supposed to be The Cavern in Liverpool. However, a few of the lyrical references are worth a chuckle (”Where did she come from?” “She came in through the bathroom window”).

In the end (the love you take….i digress), I think the best way to create a tribute to The Beatles is to just listen to them. Basically, this should have been the best musical ever made, and it wasn’t even close. There are certain songs - and not even full songs, sometimes just moments - that could adapt to any interpretation, instrumentation, or vocalization (”Across the Universe,” “Hey Jude,” “Let It Be”). On the other hand, there are songs that simply cannot be portrayed by anyone but The Beatles, and Across the Universe picked too many of these songs (the afore-mentioned “Skelter,” “Come Together,” “Oh! Darling,” “Happiness is a Warm Gun,” etc.). It captured the spirit of the band, but failed at capturing their music. If that makes any sense to you, congratulations. You’re as weird as me.