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“If you love me, won’t you let me know,” sings Chris Martin on Coldplay’s new album, Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends. Well, the album is, at the very least, a grower; and at the very best, the potential top selling album of the year in the entire universe. It would be the second top selling album for the band, as 2005′s X&Y sold something like 16 billion copies (two for every person on the planet, give or take a million). With that said, surely everyone that loves Coldplay is admitting it. Right?

No. Not at all.

There are very few bands that I would defend until I’m blue in the face. In fact, I could count them with my arms. There are very few musical opinions you could offer to me at this point in my life that would make me want to even engage in friendly conversation about it. I mostly consider it a waste of time, as I’ve learned that good music is a matter of opinion and everyone’s is going to be different. Besides, I’m always right and no one ever listens to me. Coldplay are one of those bands. I will reply to the comments on Stereogum and Brooklynvegan that call them the worst band ever, or Chris Martin the worst lyricist, or their fans musically retarded. I will give your snobby hipster bullshit comment a big ‘THUMBS DOWN’ and then I will log in under a different user name and do it again.

My favorite review of the record so far has been Pitchfork’s (isn’t it always?), which called it “bland,” while painfully admitting that more than one track was “spectacular.” Huh? Is it really that embarrassing for you to just admit you like the fucking thing? It went on to call the album their failed mid-career experiment saved only marginally by Brian Eno’s production (but still called him an “egghead”), anti-compared it to Kid A and Achtung Baby 67 times (not including all other mentions of either the words “Radiohead” or “U2″ – which were actually semi-complimentary), and took a stab at X&Y while it was at it, calling the “Fix You” lyrics “a gag-inducing bit of motivational flotsam that came off like self-parody.” Christ. The 6.5 rating is actually the highest they’ve ever given Coldplay by far.

I’d love to use Rolling Stone’s 3 1/2 star review as a defense, but since they’ve basically become as irrelevant as MTV in the music world, I don’t think it would really help my case. However, despite the fact that the review was overall favoring, they still aren’t convinced that Coldplay isn’t just trying to please everyone and sell a bunch of records (same with SPIN, who made it all the way to the last sentence before throwing in the same sentiment). Even NME’s 8/10 review was packed with condescending backhanded compliments – though they actually get my Record Review Quote of the Year with this mangled bunch of sentences: “See, they don’t have it in them to be Radiohead, making nice-but-vaguely-difficult records for 30-something £50 Men who want to feel ‘cutting edge’ while only buying one record a year, nor would we want them to. Because they are fantastic at what they do, ie sneaking alternative culture into the nation’s subconscious while pretending to be dinner party music.” Excellent.

You see, there comes a point in the career of successful bands when they sacrifice the critics and the bloggers and the wanna be critics/bloggers (such as myself) (myself excluded). This, of course, either happens because the music has been compromised for larger mass appeal, or because the band only cares about money. Never has there been a case of a band simultaneously making great music and being popular. Never has a record not automatically become crappy the moment it goes Platinum (in some cases, even Gold). Never has a band not called “Radiohead” sold out arena tours without a backlash of critic hatred. This is why Coldplay sucks. This is why Coldplay is the subject of gay jokes in Judd Apatow movies. This is why Pitchfork closes their eyes and takes a deep breath before they punch in a rating higher than 5 for what under any other circumstances would be hailed as the album of the year.

On Viva La Vida, Coldplay have broadened their palette considerably, throwing in tons of new, interesting goodies into the mix while still making Grade A catchy-as-all-hell pop songs. Eno, as well as Markus Dravs (Arcade Fire), provide some of the best production a pop record has seen this century. Had this actually been an Arcade Fire record, well…it probably would have still been trashed (Neon Bible sucked, after all – see the whole “going gold” thing). And my point has been lost. What is my point? My point is that 90% of the people who dislike Coldplay with a fiery vengeance only do so because they think they should. My point… is that if you actually listen to the music objectively with no pre-judgments, you’d simply find solid, undeniable songs. You’d find a rock band that successfully blends elements of folk, indie & pop and writes beautiful music with perfectly complimenting melodies.

Sure, as far as chord progressions go, it’s simple music. Sure, Chris Martin named his daughter Apple and wears multi-colored tape on his fingers. Sure, they are obnoxiously self-deprecating, humorously admitting that they are the 7th best band in the world. However, none of these facts back up the assessment that Coldplay sucks. Chris Martin admits in one article after another that his band is “bigger than they are good.” But is he humble? No. He’s cowed and sheepish. In a bad way.

It is actually fathomable that, once in a while, something is really popular because it is very good. It’s actually fathomable for a band to sell out tours around the world because they are a great band. It’s actually fathomable for a band to sell a million records because it’s a great record. Unfortunately, when these things happen, you will find a bunch of assholes tripping over themselves to be the first in line to say it’s a piece of shit, thereby making them better than the rest of humanity. They will stand up and theoretically slap you mid-sentence as soon as they are given an excuse. In this case, it happened two seconds after someone first turned to their friend at a Coldplay gig and said “they could be the next Radiohe..” ::WHACK::

I’m going to say some things that may upset you now.

Coldplay are to the Aughts what U2 were to the 80′s; a universal and inspirational rock band that is as talented as they are popular. Even though Chris Martin is still a ways away from a Bono-like persona, he’s definitely the closest our generation will come to a wave of the white flag and a proclamation that “this is not a rebel song.” Chris will just say it a little more timidly, possible changing the word “rebel” to “yellow.” Yes, U2 had an army of harsh critics circa Joshua & Achtung, but I don’t remember them being the universal symbol for ‘pussy’ as Coldplay has oddly become. One could argue that Bono’s lyrics are even more decisively sappy than Martin’s, and that “With or Without You” is more likely to put you to sleep than any Coldplay song. One could argue. I’m not really sure if I am or not. I’ve been writing this for way too long, and would now like to apologize for the “yellow” joke.

What you need to do is go to the beach and watch the sun set to “Don’t Panic.” Just sit there with your iPod or your CD player or your portable turntable and plug in your earphones and listen to it. Do that, and come back and tell me that Coldplay is ‘agreeable, safe, and forgettable.‘ Write a song better than “The Scientist,” and I’ll be the first in line to tell you that it’s a piece of shit. Replace Martin’s voice with Roger Waters’ and tell me that “Twisted Logic” isn’t good enough to be on Dark Side of the Moon (I’m totally not kidding). Lastly, listen to “Strawberry Swing” and tell me that it’s a ‘failed attempt’ at anything. Even Pitchfork couldn’t do it.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion; but as I mentioned earlier, I’m always right. Do yourself (and me, apparently) a huge favor and JUST…ADMIT…YOU LIKE IT. At the very least, admit that your enraged animosity is really just a biased front to mask your apathy. Admit that if it were a little bit less shameful, you’d kinda like a couple of songs on Rush of Blood. Kinda.

I’d also like to add that anyone who concludes that “Fix You” is a a ‘gag-inducing bit of motivational flotsam’ could possibly have no soul.

The End.